Playing with Fire

As I confessed to you last week, my eating has been for sh*t lately. I'm not sure why I can't seem to get it together, but I need to do something pretty soon about it. For now, I haven't put weight back on. But I know this won't last for long. So unless I make some pretty big changes soon, it's going to creep back on and before I know it I will be back where I started in January.

Most days I'm still doing protein shakes in the mornings, with almonds as a mid-morning snack. I do my egg whites mixed with spinach and ham or turkey sausage still a lot for lunch. I always eat like the same meal over and over until I get sick of it and move onto something else. Which weirdly, usually works in my favor most of the time because I know exactly how much I'm eating. Anyway, so it's not really the daytime that I'm off track with. It's the darned night time eating. The WORST time to eat. It's after my kids go to bed that I'm starving and I'm snacking. When husband is home, I'm ok on this. I'm always ok when I'm around other people. It's when husband is traveling and I'm alone that I always seem to cave. And this is where I've gone awry. I'm worried because with husband leaving for 3.5 weeks for flight school on April 28th, I can't be doing this. I need to get back on my wagon before he leaves town.

I have done this on and off for years. I try and lose weight, and I do lose a bit, see some results, the compliments starting coming in and then think I can go back to my horrible eating habits. And then eventually gain it all back. Why can't I learn?

Maybe instead of focusing on the negatives of what I'm doing right now, I should be focusing on WHY I want to be a healthier me. So here goes:

• I want to be healthy for my children. I want to be around for a very long time. I want to be able to keep up with them, and be as active as they are.

•  I want to be attractive for my husband. I want him to look at me and be all like "dammmmmn, that's my wife!"

• I want my kids to be proud of their mother. Right now I could be 800lbs and my kids would love me the same. But as they get older and are in school, I want them to be proud of me when I show up there. I remember I was always proud when my mother showed up at school. Unlike a lot of my friends mother's, my mom was always dressed really stylish, she was thin, had great hair, etc. Superficial? Yes, but it was important to me at that age, so I can only assume it will be important to my children.

•  I don't want either of my kids growing up with eating issues like I have. Especially S. I think girls are more prone to this, especially if a parent has issues. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want her to be consumed by what she's eating or not eating, like myself. This is SO so so important.

• Injuries. As you can read on here, I am always getting injured. Just right now, I have a pinched nerve in my butt, so I can't run. I have an elbow injury from playing tennis TWO months ago in Florida. So I can lift weights, but only exercises that lock the elbow in place while I do them. And I have issues with my feet buring when I workout. Some of this cannot be helped. But I do think the better shape I'm in and the less I weigh, the less injuries I might have.  

So there you have it. Why I want to be a healthier V. I think I may print out this list and hang it up so I can remember why I'm doing this. So instead of beating myself up every day and thinking negatively about myself, I can look at this and see the positives.

-V